Studio 3711

Dear Human Being,

Once again, we are worlds apart. It’s been over a year since you left us. And just like you did before, you disappointed me.

In the past couple of days, thoughts of you kept creeping back into my head. I still have so many questions. But you can’t answer them. And maybe you will never be able to. 

I know it sounds stupid, but I have to share these thoughts somehow. Ban them onto a page and shut them out of my head. Otherwise, they will eat me up from the inside. And I can’t let that happen. 

So, I thought to myself, why not write to you. 

It has been a long time

A lot has changed since you left. In those 20 years, your daughter and I went to university. We are working serious jobs now, can you believe that?

We visited the world. We lived abroad and we met many new friends along the way. People that changed our lives. Till this day, even in times of trouble, we stand up for ourselves – keep fighting. No challenge is too big. I bet you would be proud of us.

Mom is doing much better. We moved away from the big house, out of Berlin. You should have seen the new apartment, it’s beautiful. 

Ironically, you leaving us behind really changed our life for the better. Still, you left a hole and many of us still have to heal the scars you left behind. I wonder what you have experienced in that time. Did you have to heal? Were there ever things you always wanted to tell me about? 

I guess I will never find out now.

You and me

To be honest, I barely know anything about you. And maybe this text is reaching. After all, all I have are these few pictures in my memory box. 

Still, you gave me life, so, I think we are connected in some way. 

You know, it was always the other people who told me about you. Supposedly,  I have your eyes. Supposedly, I have your mannerisms. Supposedly, I have your hyperactivity and impulsiveness. (and definitely the shitty weight gain genetics, thanks for that again!). 

They also told me about what you did. I won’t sugarcoat it, it all sounded terrible. Still, that was you from a long time ago. 

And I can’t help but wonder: did you ever change?

After all, we never truly got the chance to meet each other. I never knew who you really were. See you with my own eyes and make my own opinion. And I think that is what still bugs me the most to this day. 

You have left and with you a piece of myself. A piece I have never known and will never be able to know.

A guilt that haunts me

Now, as I am laying in bed, I keep thinking what you must have thought during those 20 years. Did you ever feel bad not getting to know me? Did you want a second chance? Did you ever look for forgiveness?

It hurts me to think that I denied you that chance. It eats me alive. I feel terrible for never having done anything, tried anything. 

Then again, I didn’t even know where you were. And you didn’t want me in your life. 

That makes me wonder: what did I mean to you? You fought for my sister, but never for me. So, was it really my job to approach you?

Tell me: Was I ever on your mind before the end? Did I ever have any value to you? At least enough to reach out to me?

What would you do if you had a second chance? And how would things have changed, if we had met?

Maybe, it would have given me the chance to understand myself better. And see what truly happened 20 years ago. But that opportunity left – together with you. Forgive me for not trying harder either.

Deep in my heart, I want to believe that you turned a better side. And that’s what hurts me. I feel like I didn’t give you the chance to make up for what you have done. 

I have this image in my head of you alone in that psychiatric care center. Haunted by regrets, left behind by everyone – completely alone. Is it true? And if so, why do I feel like it was my fault?

I am left behind with those pictures and stories people tell me about you. That’s all I have now.

No memories. 

No voice. 

No person. 

Trying to move on

When my mom first told me that you were gone, I didn’t know how to react. And to be honest with you, I still don’t know how to feel. 

To this day, I feel confused. 

How are you supposed to feel about the passing of someone if he is made to look like a demon? Always talked down by everyone you know. Someone who has done terrible things. Do you feel sad? 

I do. 

And for some reason, it makes me feel like a bad person. Maybe I shouldn’t care like the others. But you were still a human being. A real person with emotions, memories, hopes and dreams. No one deserves to go the way you did. 

All alone – forgotten by the world. Nothing more than a mere piece of paper and a case number.

Nevertheless, deep inside, I want to be mad at you – hell, I can feel the rage. How could you not have wanted me? Not cared for me? And not be there? My first graduation, my first car, my first apartment – the list goes on! 

But I forgive you. Every person has their struggles and you made your decision. Everyone has to choose a way for themselves. It is not my right to tell you how to live your life. And I can’t control you – I accept that. Thus, I don’t feel like I have the right to be mad at you. I just wish you could have seen what I have become. But, not every wish can come true. 

What matters in the end is that you created me. That connects us, if we like it or not. And I want you to know that even if you weren’t there, I cared. I still do. To this day, I think about you. 

This letter is my way of moving on. I wanted you to know that I cared. 

Nevermind whether you were good or bad, you were still a human being. You mattered – even though no one seems to acknowledge it. 

I wish you would have been here and could have properly met and said goodbye. But, in life, it is not about what you would have done. It is about what we do. So, I take this memory of you and try to be the best version of myself. 

Goodbye

Tom